Bands I Will Never Form

What started as a humorous interjection with friends that I ran far past its 6 seasons and a movie (“band name, called it”), has now progressed to a meticulously documented list that spans iPhone Notes Apps, Microsoft Teams messages to myself on company time, and now – a permanent imprint on the world’s communal trash bin, God’s internet. Please enjoy, revel in the artistry, and remember that I call dibs.

Dali Dolly as imagined by DeepAI image generator. If I were an image generator I would have generated the album cover a little less “decaying flesh” and a little more “genre-defining icon” – but it’s only their first album, they have room to grow.

Limpet
Thought Womb
Mad Heartness
Dali Dolly * (debut seen above)
Numb Little Bug * (debut seen below)
Happy Static
Critical Thought
Charismatic Megafauna
Edentulous
Generational Curse
Bisexual Latino Fireman
Blessed Little Geese
Skank
Chicanery
The Dough Zone Confessionals
Unstop
Of Sonder
Kurt Vonnegut’s Favorite Doodle
Footprint of the Crane
Tautologous
The Last 4 Digits of Your Social Security Number (for real!)
The Phlebotomists
Innocent Murmur
Cardiogenic Shock
Blister
Hammertoe
Cognitive Impairment
Lymphedema
NSTEMI
Urethral Meats
Optic Atrophy
Klebsiella
Degloved
Orbital Exenteration
Naughty Samaritan
Advanced Directive
Living Will
Hepatitis E
Apologies in Advance
Honor Walk
Stage Twink
Fetal Demise

I fear Numb Little Bug may have been a little too “inspired” by Glass Animals with their first album drop.

Clearly, there are a few key themes here. I work in healthcare and more specifically – end-of-life and bereavement. For this reason, I am intimately familiar with fun and flirty ways to die. Some of these would make incredible punk band names. Albums, too. I do also have a personal list of objectively icky things that I think would make incredible baby names should I ever choose to asexually reproduce, but those are private! Not for God’s internet. (Klebsiella is obviously on that list.)

A few of these are just beautiful words or interesting phrases I have come across in literature, dialogue, etc. Others could also easily double as drag personas. Honestly, any specific plant or sea creature makes a great band name as long as it veers on the otherworldly. The more humans can empathize with an organism, the less likely they are to stream it on Spotify. Might do well on Apple Music, though.