15 Articles I Will Never Write


  1. “How to convey that you’re straight but don’t want to be talked to, touched, or perceived by men on your Bumble profile”
  2. “Best new local coffee spots to check out after your barista handed you your latte last week but during the pass-off your fingers kind of overlapped with theirs a little bit”
  3. “Just In: those sunglasses do make you look insanely bitchy, Jen.”
  4. “My cat won’t stop staring at me and now I have a God complex – a confessional”
  5. “How often are you really supposed to floss? Find out if your dentist has been lying straight to your face just like every other person in your goddamned miserable life”
  6. “Advice: How do I let my partner know that I don’t know how to use a microwave and have instead been reheating all his meals by sitting on them like a mother hen?”
  7. “Woman crinkles tampon wrapper extra loud to make sure everyone in crowded concert bathroom line knows she is on her period and not just taking a massive dump”
  8. “”Having trouble falling asleep? Here are the top 10 most likely reasons your aging parents will end up in the hospital soon”
  9. “Try this! Shatter the glass ceiling by just being born as a man”
  10. “Basic human empathy: this summer’s hottest trend”
  11. “Is that stranger across the bar staring at you because you’re cute or because you’re a 9-foot tall agent of the devil and your human skin suit is starting to melt away? Take this quiz to find out!”
  12. “10 ways to congratulate your best friend on their pregnancy without letting on that you finally figured out where babies come from and it’s kind of gross”
  13. “How to break the news to your dad that you no longer need to be on his health insurance plan anymore because you actually make a lot more money than he does”
  14. “Remember that time your friend let you crash on her couch for the night? Well, turns out she and her boyfriend had sex on it right before you showed up!”
  15. “Gift ideas for the friend that killed your betta fish while you were on that corporate getaway last year”