This writing sample was based on a prompt for a flash fiction course with the Hugo House – pull a Yelp review from a local venue and develop a character. Below is the short and sweet review from an unsuspecting customer who would soon become a victim of my thought experiment.
Unicorn went buck wild..I was straight when I walked in and came out something a little different. What happens at the unicorn, stays in the unicorn. Get in there peeps.
This is a photo from one of my own nights out at Unicorn (with my professional witness protection service included). If – and it’s a big “if” – I remember correctly, patrons of Unicorn receive a giant dildo-esque unicorn horn to wear on their birthday. This is a friend of mine wielding his with pride. Now we dive into my very much invented character.
Name: Ryan L.
Pronouns: he/him/his
Age: 28
What does he do for a living?
For now, he’s helping his dad manage the finances for their family landscaping business (West Seattle Lawn & Garden). Dad didn’t want the name to be anything too gimmicky. “Just tell the people what we do and they’ll call”. The ampersand was Mom’s contribution.
Ryan’s not much of a plant guy – but he understands how people like his father need to burn away the hours crouched over a musty pile of soil, hands blanketed in splinters, neck toasted to a crisp by the afternoon sun – all for a few blooms and a nice paycheck. It must be therapeutic for him – or maybe he just enjoys playing God.
In the future? He doesn’t have any set plans. Right now, Dad needs his help – and he should spend more time with Mom anyways. He’s making real good use of that broadcast communications degree these days.
What kind of family does he come from?
Your typical good, old Nuclear American Family. Mom is a homemaker, always has been. Dad is a bit more of an enigma. He doesn’t talk much about his life before Mom, but – to be fair, he doesn’t talk much about anything if he’s got something better to do. Mom has always been her own source of sunshine. That’s probably how she’s chugged along for so many months; that plus the fact that dad doesn’t quite know how to work the washing machine. Who knows what he’d do without her? He’d probably take on more clients and forget to feed himself for a week, finally buried in his work. He has been digging 5 days a week, 7 AM to 5 PM, for 32 years now. That hole has got to be pretty deep by now.
Ryan has always felt loved in his home. His mom is the human embodiment of a dandelion, bright and bold no matter how many other weeds choose to hide with the rest of the greenery. She’s a tough cookie – and that’s exactly what she told Dr. Nunez the day her scans came back. A classic midwestern woman born and raised, with a little bit of Texas go-get-‘em attitude thrown in from her undergrad years at Tulane. She wasn’t going to let a pesky glioma get between her and her family. Mom even gave her tumor a name, “Bobby”. She’s always hated Bobby Flay. “A real phony, if you ask me”. Sometimes Ryans leaves the Food Network on when he knows there’s a Bobby Flay special coming up. He thinks it gives her a little more fighting energy to beat that damn tumor.
Lately, when Ryan asks Dad how Mom has been doing, he gets nothing but good news. “She’s a real tough lady. Doesn’t rest a moment of the day, that one.” It always brings a smile to his face to hear Dad speak like that, but he knows how tough each day really is for her. She’s got a wobble to her step now, she tries to laugh it off when Dad’s around but Ryan knows it’s only going to get worse from here. She tells Ryan that sometimes her arms get really, really cold. She feels like she needs to dig up an old down jacket or two. And thinking back, Ryan had never seen the woman wear more than a light sweater – even on their Thanksgiving visits back to Grandpa’s. And then suddenly the cold is gone and next her arms are gone and the world is spinning. She feels everything and nothing and then she panics and the whole cycle starts again. She knows it’s just the progress of her disease, but “it’s really scary when you don’t know what your body and mind are gonna throw at you next. They’ve been partners my entire life but now I feel like they’re at war and I’m just stuck in the middle of it all.”
She can’t tell any of this to Dad, of course. Mom is the only thing that’s kept his heart warm all these years. If it weren’t for her brunette curls and those lemongrass green eyes across the table from him and his coffee mug every morning – his heart would grow as cold as the morning dew. She’s not just her own sunshine, she’s got a whole nursery she’s got to keep glowing for.
…and any siblings?
No, he was Dad’s biggest compromise. Mom’s light was enough for him, and he never wanted anything more or less in his life. Mom, on the other hand, wanted a tiny version of herself to help her with chores and keep her mind sharp (or at least that’s how she tells the story).
…
God dammit there’s something else he is supposed to be doing. Yelp review. He’d drunkenly promised the bartender last night that he’d write them a stellar review. 2 shots of Unicorn Jizz down and he was like a drunk sorority girl making friends with every he, she, and they in that place.
“Unicorn went buck wild..I was straight when I walked in and came out something a little different. What happens at the unicorn, stays in the unicorn. Get in there peeps.”
Perfect. Short, sweet, and to the point. Got to give the people what they want. He had a habit of writing these long, rambling, Unabomber-esque reviews in the past. needs to hear your whole life story, Ryan.
Ryan taps the pulsating red icon on his phone screen to stop recording. He saves the file with the title, “2-10-22 thoughts”. Once it’s saved, the voice memo slides into place at the bottom of the long list of its matching brothers. It’s about time to head over to Mom and Dad’s now, she’ll need someone to distract Dad while she sets the table. She can’t let him hear how much the plates rattle.
pro-whimsy agenda 